How to know how and when to contribute, like paying for dinner, and still feel great.

The question:

I have a great guy.  We’ve been dating a few months now and we’re exclusive.  He’s loving and kind and good.  He makes me feel very happy.

My question is whether I should start contributing to the dinners and outings we have and how much should I pay?  It seems that I will have to pay sometimes as he has limited income.  Up until this point he has paid for all our dates.

Also he is talking about taking me ‘home’ to Florida to meet his best friends and his siblings.  I think it sounds fun and I am excited to go.  But he was saying that he wants to get plane tickets and a hotel and make arrangements to attend ball games and museums.  I said, “Can I pay for part of it?”  and he said, “Yes.”  My question is how much should I contribute and how?  It all seems a bit messy!  Thanks

My response:

The whole area of money and paying for things whilst dating is a big trigger for most women… and men.

For many women, money and paying during dating starts to feel complicated and uncomfortable.

We don’t have issues around money and paying when we’re going out for dinner or taking a trip with our girlfriends.

So why does it feel messy when we’re dating a man?

We have expectations around men and money and these can often be contradictory.

On the one hand, we want a man to take the lead and pay for dinner, as that feels really good.

On the other hand, we can feel uncomfortable not paying or contributing.

It’s common now for women to earn the same or more money than their man.

So, a few months into a relationship, should you continue to let him pay or should you start to contribute?

I think the key to this is ‘Giving and Receiving’ and feeling good about both.

Masculine energy is about Giving and feminine energy is about Receiving.

Masculine energy feels great Giving and feminine energy feels great Receiving.

The reason why it feels great when a man pays for dinner is because you are receiving.

And it feels great for a masculine energy man to give.

It’s not about the money itself, it’s about the Giving and the Receiving.

And the reason why it doesn’t feel good to think about paying is because it reverses the Giving and Receiving, which doesn’t feel good to our masculine and feminine energies.

However, having said all of that.

Men like to receive too and women like to give.

See what you think of this analogy.

Imagine your man in front of you.  He’s stood a couple of feet away.

He’s giving of his attention, time, affection and money.

See all that coming towards you as energy.

Imagine you could see the energy.

Imagine the energy is made up of little rainbow coloured stars.

See the stars coming towards you and over you, as if he is holding a garden hose.

Feel what it is like to be drenched in the stars.

There are so many stars coming over you that as you stand there with your palms open you are able to gently push the overflow of stars back over for him to receive.

How does that feel?

Every time your man compliments you, holds the door for you, listens about your day, pays for dinner, strokes your skin, does the washing up at your place it’s like rainbow coloured stars pouring over you.

There’s no distinction as to whether the stars have come from his attention, his time, his affection or his money.

They are all equal in terms of them all being rainbow coloured stars.

Equally the overflow of stars that you pass back to him can be your appreciation, your respect, your time, your affection OR your money.

What I’m saying is – what if money had the same value as your appreciation, your respect and your acts of service?

You choose, in any given moment, what you are giving to your man.

You choose what FEELS good to you.

Putting this into practice it might look like every now and again you say to him that you’d like to take him for lunch or that you’d like to pick up the bill as a thank you for being a great guy, if and when that FEELS good to you.

It might be that you offer to cook him dinner once in a while, if you love cooking, or offer to spend an hour with him helping him weed his garden, if that FEELS good to you.

You have a masculine energy man here.  A wonderfully masculine energy man.

With the Florida trip, you have asked him whether he would like you to ‘pay for part of it’ and he said ‘yes’.

He has answered your question.

Accept the response.

Now you can consider in what way you want to contribute.

Imagine now he is in front of you and try a few scenarios.

What is he doing when you offer to pay half?  And how does that feel?

What does he say when you say you feel unsure as to how much to contribute and what does he think?  How does that feel?

For me, it’s about the ‘handling of money’ in front of a man that feels yuck.  It’s not ‘spending the money’.

What if you said to him that you feel excited about the trip and you’d love to contribute and you feel yucky handling money when you are with him.  What can he suggest?

How would that feel for you?

What if you transferred the money to his account online – you’re not physically handling the cash then – and then he ‘handled’ everything relating to money on the trip.  How would that feel?

There isn’t a right or wrong answer to this.

The key is that it feels good to both of you.

In a way, you’ve got to FEEL your way through this to a place where YOU both FEEL good.

Love

Michelle