When I start coaching you when you’re looking to find your Happy Ever After, one of the very first things I encourage you to do is to start dating. To say yes to everyone who asks you out. To have telephone dates and coffee dates with all manner of men, even those who you would previously have said no to because they weren’t your type, weren’t the sort you normally go for, not a good match on paper. Dating like this is great practise, it lets you get back into the dating world without any expectations, it lets you have some fun and build a little confidence. In short, it’s all about YOU rather than the men!
However, are you one of those women who once you have had a few dates, or even a few text message conversations with some potential dates, something shifts? Resistance bubbles up and excuses come to mind. It can be something really simple like you didn’t like the way he spoke to the waiter. Or that he mentioned his ex-wife once too often. He wore a “weird” looking jumper. These observations quickly become judgements and they start to stack up.
This gives you the perfect excuse not to continue chatting with these men. Then perhaps work suddenly becomes busy, leaving you little time for anything else. Your children need your attention. Elderly parents have a slew of appointments they need taking to and from. Dating drops off your radar. It isn’t important enough right now with everything else that’s going on. You are very busy, with a capital B.
However, should your best friend turn up at your door with some delicious cake, there would be plenty of time to sit down with a cup of tea and have a proper catch up. The energy is there, but it’s not being directed towards your dating. As the sessions continue, you’ll tell me that all the men out there are no good. There are no good men. You know, because you’ve tried to date. You’ve looked for them. Devoted precious time and energy to seeking them out. Waste of time. There are no good men.
What does this tell me? The judgements. The “too busy” to date. The “there are no good men, trust me I’ve looked” statements. Simple. This all tells me that you are afraid. You are scared. This is all originating from a point of fear. And it’s all very understandable. So what are you scared of? It could be many things. Maybe you’re scared of the whole process of going out there into the world and dating men. It could very well be that you’re not only scared of not finding someone, you’re scared of actually finding someone. You don’t BELIEVE that you’re going to meet a good man, so your critical voice is already telling you that you aren’t, that you’re not worthy of this.
This is a very common scenario. Women who’ve spent their adult lives seeking their Happy Ever After, women who have dated someone for a length of time only for them to find out they want different things, women who have been married for 25 years and suddenly find themselves single in a very different dating world from which they were last in – these women are all scared of what they’re going to find out there. Fear comes from all these places – judgement, energy, excuses, lack of self-esteem, lack of self-belief, it can be packaged in many ways but essentially it is just that. Fear.
Coaching is a wonderful tool for women like you in this scenario. Me and my coaches work with you to talk to that critical voice in your head, and to teach you to fall in love with yourself, even the parts that are judging, even the parts that are scared. We work with you to lead you out into the dating world, holding your hand until you’re ready to let go and set off down the path to your own Happy Ever After. Overcoming doubts, instilling confidence and belief, these are all things that can be dealt with in coaching.
Fear can seem insurmountable but with the right help and support, it can be loved and held as you take those dating steps. There is a whole world of happiness out there. And if any of this resonates with you – don’t let fear hold you back.