Daydream Believer

Author: Yvonne Crolla

Last year I was working with a client. She had started online dating after a gap of a few years and she was finding the journey quite an arduous one. She would meet a man online, start messaging, and before she knew it, she has put all of her focus on to him. When we put the focus on to one man, we start to fantasise the relationship. It takes on its own life; becomes something so very different in our heads from what it actually is. Before we know it, this man who we haven’t even met in real life is suddenly the focus of 90% of our thoughts, our days, and in our head, we’re practically married with three children.

We’ve all been there, we’ve all done it. I spent a good few years of the late eighties convinced that one day Jason Donovan would ask me to be his wife. I daydreamed about it. Knew in my head what I would say when he finally asked me out. All innocent, harmless fun.

And yet here we are, as grown women, still indulging in this same fantasy. All innocent, harmless fun? Yes … until the fantasy starts to creep into the reality.

We coach women to be in their Feminine Energy. An energy of “being” rather than “doing”. We coach women to lean back, to receive. Not to chase, initiate, lead. Not to make dating and relationships hard work. We coach women to create the space for the Masculine Energy to step in to.

Which brings us back to getting laser focused on one man. It’s so easy to do so … you’re chatting on the apps, he seems nice, genuine. You have a good rapport. It feels right. The thought of just dealing with this one man right now rather than talking to two, three, even ten more men, seems like a good choice. I mean, he could be the one, right? Why not put all your energy into that, rather than waste time spreading yourself too thin across multiple men?

So you do just that. You come off the apps. Stop conversations with other men. You like this guy, why not just focus on making a go of it with him? You can see yourself with him. In a real relationship. Settling down. What a great story it will make, you can tell everyone how you met online and within weeks you’d met The One. A true fairytale! You’ll be the perfect couple AND the stuff of urban myths to boot!

Now you can focus on just him. You won’t notice it, but there’s a subtle change in your energy. He occupies more of your thoughts. Instead of waiting for a text from one of the many men you were talking to, you’re waiting on just a text from him. It may not come quickly enough, and you start to wonder what’s going on. You send a gentle nudge. A funny meme, or something you heard on the radio on your way to work that morning. Just to let him know you’re still there. Still thinking about him. Still waiting to hear from him.

You didn’t notice your energy change, but he did. He notices the frequency of your messages. More contact than before. The tone of them. When he does contact you, the happy carefree woman he initially reached out to has been replaced with someone else. Someone more demanding. Someone who doesn’t really seem pleased when he gets in touch, but rather a bit annoyed or angry for reasons unknown to him. There is an edge to things. He feels a bit pressured. A bit suffocated. Something is off and he doesn’t like it. He pulls away. As his masculine energy retreats, your feminine energy is pushed out of the way and you slide into your masculine energy. You push against his. More and more. Until you push too far. And he vanishes for good.

This happens a lot. And it sucks! Without realising it, you remove your focus from yourself. You lose that “goddess thing” that drew him to them in the first place. You unintentionally turn all your attention on to him, and he senses it. He feels the pressure, the angst, the whole package of him being your only focus. The woman he started chatting with has gone, and replaced with someone he isn’t connecting with. He doesn’t want to do this. So he doesn’t.

How would it feel to do it a different way? You meet a great guy on the apps. You’re chatting, he seems nice, genuine. You have a good rapport. It feels right. Yet you know that to stop chatting to the four other men you’ve met on there wouldn’t feel like the right thing to do. So you don’t. You carry on talking to them all. You arrange to have a coffee date with one of them. It goes well, and at the end of the date he asks to see you again and you readily accept. You arrange a coffee date with another one. Afterwards, you never hear from him again, but you don’t really mind, or even notice, because you’re still getting matches on the app and that’s keeping you pretty busy. You’re having first dates with a few men, second dates with a couple, one has made it to a third date. And there are still more men getting in touch. Your attention isn’t on any one of them. It’s on you, and on the fun you’re having meeting so many great guys. And some not great ones, but that’s okay because they soon fall by the wayside. You don’t worry about them knowing you’re having coffee with other guys, in fact, you’re open about it because you know you and your happy ever after are more important than the possibility of upsetting a man.

Eventually, your Happy Ever After man will make himself known. There will be no time to date other men, because he is constantly organising dates for you both and striving to spend time with you. He’ll ensure that the competition is seen off – in the nicest possible way – and you will have arrived at this amazing place with very little effort on your part.

How would that feel?

This is why we coaches advocate dating multiple men at once. This is why we caution against putting all of your effort into one man, before you even know that your Happy Ever After is on the table. This is why we want your focus to be on YOU. Because by focusing on you, you never lose sight of what your goal is. Your Happy Ever After. It’s waiting there for you.

If you’re ready to drop into your Feminine Energy and date a different way towards your Happy Ever After, then join us on our next live group coaching programme, Feminine Energy Dating – Live! All the details can be found here.