Fairy tales, romance novels, films and television programmes have for such a long time been pedalling the same dangerous, unhealthy, unhelpful myth – that when we meet “the one”, we’ll know. It’s a classic tale portrayed in various forms of media for many, many years. You’ll know. Your eyes will meet across a crowded room, electricity will spark between you, the sun will burst through the clouds, angels will sing in heaven, all variations on the same theme. One of my favourite films of all time, Four Weddings and a Funeral even has the hapless, bumbling Tom meet someone at a wedding, and there is actual lightening in the sky the second they clap eyes on each other, whilst he mutters to himself “thunderbolt city”. He goes on to marry her of course, having known THE SECOND HE MET HER that she was The One.
Is it any wonder then that this is what we think will happen for us? We’ve been conditioned for years to believe that when it happens, we’ll know. There will be a sign. We’ll feel it deep inside. Unhelpful friends who have paired off will tell us simperingly “oh you just know”. What a lot of rubbish. Truly. How can you know the second you lay eyes on someone that they are the one for you? You can lay eyes on someone and be attracted to them, of course you can. You can think they are gorgeous, you can imagine kissing them, making love to them. You can feel the chemistry between you and that is fantastic. But that’s all it is. An initial attraction, sexual chemistry, our brains reacting to a gorgeous man the same way we drool a little bit when we see George Clooney. It’s fine. It’s good. But it isn’t love.
In coaching, when we start working with you, we talk about what your very own personal Happy Ever After looks like. We get you to picture it. To see the fuzzy faced person there that you want to spend your life with. How your Happy Ever After makes you FEEL. Very often, women will use words like “safe” and “secure.” “Cherished” and “adored” and “protected”. All very deep feelings, which require a great connection with their partner. Can you tell simply by looking at someone that they are going to cherish you? Adore you? Look after you and make you feel protected? Keep you safe and secure? And all of those things CONSISTENTLY. Of course, you can’t! These aren’t fleeting emotions that can be garnered from a look across a bar. These are deep rooted emotions and feelings which grow from a strong, heart connection with someone.
Of course, that’s not to say that seeing someone and finding them attractive, striking up a conversation and going on a date won’t lead to something else! Of course, it can. But you won’t know until you know that person. Until you know what they want from a relationship. That they want what you want. That they make you feel all the things you want from your Happy Ever After. That you connect on a level far deeper than a superficial attraction. That they make you laugh. Make you think. Hold you when you cry. Protect you. Love you.
When we work with you in coaching, we’ll encourage you to date. A lot! We want you to say “yes” to every man who asks. We want you to look past the superficial and see who makes you feel all those things that you want to feel from your Happy Ever After. Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to the same type of man? The same looks, the same attitude. The same outcome when it ends. We are drawn to the same type of people, and we draw the same type of people to us. Which inevitably leads to the same outcome – disappointment and heartbreak. We work with you to recognise those patterns, to break the chain and to see beyond the initial fireworks, the fizz of excitement when you spot that gorgeous tall dark and handsome stranger. We will work with you to see past all of that. To listen to your heart, to your body, and allow yourself to open up and make a connection with someone you might previously have rejected. We’re not looking for that initial rush of euphoria. We’re looking for the person who you can still walk besides, hand in hand, 30 years down the line. And you will never recognise them from one single look.
So ignore the quest for The One. The One doesn’t exist. It is the stuff of fairy tales and urban myths. Instead, take the time to chat to the man who you initially thought sounded boring, or the one whose profile picture made him look a bit goofy. Say yes to the man with brown hair even though you prefer blonde, and yes to the one who works in accountancy when you hoped for a surgeon. Take the time to get to know these men, learn about them, and listen. Listen to them and listen to your heart. Chemistry that grows can last a lifetime. And instant chemistry can fizzle out as quickly as it started. Invest in you. Invest the time it takes to get to know someone. That’s when Your One will make themselves known. And you’ll be sure they are the right One for you.
Love Yvonne @ Team Michelle