How to date without getting tied up in knots

When women come to me for dating coaching, one of the very first things that I empower them to do is date lots of men, without going exclusive with one man straight away. You may have heard it referred to as rotational dating, multiple dating, serial dating, whatever – it all means the same thing. That the woman is going to be dating many, many men at the same time. 

What?! Date many men at once? But how on earth can she focus on finding the right one if she’s going on five dates a week? Well, to put it simply, that is the whole point. As women, we tend to repeat patterns, and that is true when it comes to attracting a mate. We have had relationships in the past with Adam, and with David, and with Matthew, and they’ve all ended in heartbreak, putting us back to square one. But what we’re not realising is Adam and David and Matthew and whoever else we’ve dated along the way is essentially the same man. Every time. And every time it ends in disaster, we go back out there and we attract the same man. Over. And Over. And Over.  

The pattern needs to be broken. We need to open ourselves up to the possibility of different men, and how those men might be the masculine energy men that we are looking for, that they are the ones to step up and give us our Happy Ever After. So we date. I tell my clients to arm themselves with a diary, block out some lovely time slots throughout the week and go out there and DATE! I’m not suggesting a four hour dinner date with every man, we start off with a one hour coffee date. Keep it light, and casual, and after all, what’s an hour? We use these dates to practise all the tools I teach in my coaching sessions, so even if nothing comes of the date, it’s still incredibly useful to my clients to have this experience and it will feel wonderful for her to be out there dating. We look beyond those men who they would normally date, the familiar, the “safe” and we move past the notion of instant chemistry to see what possibilities a different kind of man might have to offer. It feels really good to do this.

However there can be a lot of resistance to dating lots of men, both from my clients themselves, and of course their friends and ultimately the men they are dating. It’s so important to stress at the outset that there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating many men at the same time. This doesn’t make her a player, or someone who is not serious about settling down – quite the opposite. I work with clients to make them realise their self worth. That they are a “prize” for the right man. They are choosing not to settle for second best. And that right man has to step up and show her that he is going to last the race, that he will “see off the competition”. Dating lots of men allows a woman to go out there and see what kind of men she can date, to challenge her patterns and see how she feels with different men. Throw open the possibility that her Happy Ever After might not look like how she expected it to. 

To those women who are really resistant to dating lots of men, I offer them this wonderful analogy. Imagine you are in a cake shop. The most luxurious, exquisite cake shop you can imagine. Glass fronted shelves glisten with the delights ensconced within. The scents are intoxicating. Everywhere you turn, there is something delicious that you want to try. Do you immediately settle on something known to you? Something familiar? Safe? Or are you wondering what something new would taste like? Perhaps you would love to try something new but you’re afraid to, in case you don’t like it. Now imagine I told you that you had 30 seconds to choose a cake. Or, you could spend two hours in this magnificent shop, tasting a little bit of everything. You can sit down and enjoy a coffee or a glass of wine, whilst sampling everything this place has to offer. No rush. No pressure. And at the end of it, you can choose a slice to take home, and chances are, it won’t be the victoria sponge or the carrot cake you would have chosen had you only had 30 seconds. 

This is what dating lots of men is all about. It’s your cake shop. You can go out there and date any kind of man you want. Men you would never have considered before for any number of reasons. You can “try” them, along with any other man you choose. And ultimately, having sampled what the world has to offer, you’ll find the perfect match, just for you. 

Yvonne @Team Michelle

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